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mangled moments in lost time Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "anti-matter of hope" journal:

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June 24th, 2013
08:41 pm

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those who commit suicide destroy the world that is provable to them

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June 4th, 2013
12:21 pm

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part of me is basically continually, anxiously running a systems diagnostic on myself, unsure of the findings.

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May 26th, 2013
03:18 pm

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doodooododoododododdoodododododoo
got to do something. want to listen to records. s is aggravated by me, any record i play. want to read, but often disappointed, trudging through. tired all the time. sleeping, napping too much. got to get rid of some stuff. the usual situation. just want to nap, contemplate doing things i don't do. don't want to do i guess. can't follow through or do the necessary work for anything. lazy. never learned to play guitar, never learned a foreign language. don't believe in anything enough to do anything. just want to be a star for no reason. i should have been paris hilton.

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May 23rd, 2013
02:50 pm

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always the question, "what's my motivation?" i get home, i'm unmotivated. sleep calls out to me like a siren song. it feels so good, you know it does. it's so easy, just do it. give in.

having conversations, thoughts, writing, and coming to the precipice of my train of thought and realizing there aren't as many cars on the train as i had hoped. the words just trail off into a kind of idiotic hanging. and i'm left standing there holding the bag, so to speak.

coffee occasionally wakes me up as if i've taken ldopa and come out of a coma drift. i wish i could shake off, vomit up, the sleepiness.

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February 19th, 2013
10:24 am

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life is not my jam
i shouldn't be at this job anymore. i just demonstrably don't give a fuck. waking up early is for birds that like worms. every instinct in me leads to bartleby the scrivener.

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February 15th, 2013
11:11 am

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frustrating nightmares
as dreams don't make much sense and drift within themselves...
in a hardware store and was waiting to help someone out with their stuff. it was waiting by the exit and i imagined they needed help. i waiting with s for a good while and then decided to check out and the lines were very long and there were hardly any registers open. i saw one open and of course someone got to it before me. i was so frustrated that i circled round the store and then found myself in my old car, but it was nearly out of gas or dead and practically had to be pushed. i was driving around looking for a gas station i guess. i turned down one small street and was having to drag myself as if i was a slug or paraplegic on the ground, with great effort just to move a few inches.

then i was on a highway and trying to get home but couldn't find the exit and seemed to be just going on and on.

fucking dreams. now i've had my coffee and i want to destroy the world.

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December 4th, 2012
11:28 pm

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it's my own fault, but it's sad to get a text on your pre-paid phone where you watch the credits like a miser and then instead of being a friend it's a spam. maybe a problem with my life is that i'm meh and i'm hoping for something really good and all i get is meh. what could i do? always wondering, not doing. i'm spending too much money and don't know what i'm going to do. also, i don't work much. my life is heading toward potato chips on the couch in front of the tv until death.

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September 11th, 2012
11:45 pm

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frustrated with work. might leave at the end of the year. just don't have the motivation to continue. started watching the 1949 version of little women on tcm and there was a scene where jo goes into the wealthy invalid guy's house and marvels at its luxuriousness, but to him it's just a room because he's used to it and doesn't care. that's my problem, i'm inured to the pleasures and any discomfort becomes nauseatingly accentuated.

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July 25th, 2012
11:36 am

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tired. trying to turn it into something. oh the glory of a nap when i get home from work. may go into another room and slap my face and see if that helps.

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July 6th, 2012
03:41 pm

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mental acropolis in ruins
rarely have i ever been anywhere better or worse than my dreams. i could sleep forever. what life could compare?

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