mangled moments in lost time
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "anti-matter of hope" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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12:46 pm
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lj, my bitching place
tired of all the god damned rain. we setup stuff at this flea market today hoping to sell/get rid of some stuff, mostly at a loss, especially after setup expenses. an hour into the day and it started raining and a bunch of stuff got ruined and most of it is still in the car because it just seems so pointless to bring it inside when it's still raining outside. we had drought all summer but it's been raining for the past month solid. i am so tired of this rain. it is the goal of nature to break everything down.
we just saw zombieland, and zombies must be a metaphor for what human beings have done to the planet in general. we're wiping ourselves out and nature is just waiting to break down all the stuff we made. it doesn't care that the plastics and shit will be around for millions of years. nature has got all the time in the world. i can't help feeling that the universe is a bitch. whether it's lions taking down gazelle's, bacteria infecting healthy tissue, or human greed and malice; it's all life voraciously taking what it can take to replicate itself. we don't follow our bliss, we follow our hunger, and hunger knows no morals. we wouldn't eat the absolute shit we eat if we had any kind of control.
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10:25 pm
[Link] | bored, tired. beer sometimes disagrees with me and makes my insides not feel good, so can't sleep. plus when i lied down my feet felt restless. so i'm up going through the motions on the computer until i can fall asleep. re-reading tropic of capricorn, what i thought was one of my favorite books and i'm not liking it much which is really bumming me out. jesus, "bumming me out" is the kind of expression that would come from an old guy i wouldn't like. is it late enough to do my chores and go to bed?
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02:39 pm
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the narrow-mindedness of focusing on the wrong things
one of the problems with human beings versus other animals is that we often mask our real intentions with a pleasant facade. as long as we have a facade we don't have to really interact directly with others. i would argue that by creating facades we alienate each other and make bridging the distance between each other less likely. of course it can be argued that other people expect a facade and judge each other on this first impression. i feel that we have something to gain by seeing the differences in each other and learning to appreciate them. we are a richer society for the variation between each other.
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12:01 am
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that which doesn't kill you turns you into a giant cockroach
i hurt my back and have had comical sad moments of premature old age this week. the ant sometimes imagines that he is job, but he is just an ant doing ant-things. job is just an ant story anyway, so what does it matter. crazy people deserve their incoherent place in the sun too, so i shall continue, brokeback ant that i am. i live out my nights killing the roaches that overrun our kitchen to feel that i am alive and they are no longer. it is my way of trying to explain to the universe that it could be doing a better job. something better than roaches should ultimately win out i say. of course humans are often more loathsome than roaches, so perhaps i am mistaken.
we spend our days or they are spent. either way they meet their daily end. i sometimes try to fight against my limitations and only end up worsening them. that is where the mind is wonderful, dreams are an endless playhouse. one can sit and think on a couch for hours going nowhere. this is both a kindness and a curse. the world wants something to come from your labors and measures success in realities. we want to produce that success, but don't need it as badly as the world demands it. therefore we are generally satisfied, but discontent. or at least i am.
my head is gibberish on a stick. i could mumble out the words indefinitely and that is what we do with our cellphones and communication outlets. i need to get out more. out into the dissatisfied world where we can bounce our dissatisfaction kindly off each other.
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01:35 pm
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pest control, another mundane topic
ok, we have silverfish which get into our paper and cardboard, maybe other stuff too. we have roaches that get into anything and everything. oh, and sometimes we get fleas, and carpenter ants. i want to get rid of these specific creatures, but don't mind spiders, lizards, and don't want any poisons to hurt our cats, us, or our tropical fish. we've tried boric acid, but it doesn't seem to do the job. plus i worry about our cats licking it or sniffing it out of curiosity so i don't put it absolutely everywhere. i worry that pest control services are a poisonous rip-off. i don't want to make our whole house carcinogenic or spend a fortune. would love any advice or your experiences in this area if anyone is out there.
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01:14 pm
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a boring, down to earth entry
i have trouble cleaning up our house because i have so much junk and i hate to get rid of things. i think it's a great depression-type survival attitude, that everything has some value or could be used for something in an emergency. for example, i bought a metal salad spoon or whatever it is at a garage sale and surprised the woman i bought it from by saying that i was going to use it to clean our cat's litterbox. our plastic one broke and the metal ones designed for that purpose are needlessly expensive. this one works fine. lots of apparent junk can be repurposed. i could donate more stuff to thrift stores, but a lot of times they have a very narrow view of what has value. a long time ago i went dumpster diving at thrift stores and could find lots of great stuff. so a lot of the stuff i'm talking about is stuff that you can't even donate. some of it can be recycled, but a lot of it can't.
and speaking of recycling, that's a needlessly confusing area as well. a lot of plastic stuff has recycling numbers on it which is great, but a lot of stuff doesn't have recycling numbers on it because the manufacturer just doesn't care. sometimes the packaging seems identical to another piece of plastic that has a recycling number. so do you throw it away or put it with the recycling? our city recycles plastics 1-7 now, but not plastic bags which i have that are numbered with recycling numbers 2 and 4. the grocery accepts bags for recycling so i have been assuming that they take these as well because they are labeled as recyclable. austin says they don't accept cardboard pizza boxes because they have food residues on them which seems a shame, but then i've seen some paper coffee cups that are labeled as recyclable. are food residues an issue with them?
i want to clean up and get rid of some stuff but i see so much potential in so much junk. and the economy could get much worse.... oh well, i need to work at it some more. it's too hot to have a garage sale now, even early in the morning here so i'm setting stuff aside for the fall. so we're still surrounded with junk.
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06:40 pm
[Link] | i don't believe in a grand scheme of things, but mankind is probably meant to dissipate and collapse. space and eternity are just to big for us to have any significance. i use this as an excuse for my own drift in space. i'm trying to read tender is the night but just can't get that into it. so many books have been disappointing for me that it's a wonder that i read at all. i must admit that part of the reason i read is because i have the idea that it is an educating thing to do, even if the book is not especially classic in nature or essential in information.
i'm sick and it coincidentally coincides with the break between the spring and summer sessions at school. but i really am sick. of course there is the ennui too, malaise even, but i can assure you that there are simple germs and bacterium as well.
at some point i'll not be at my job and i'll be selling junk on ebay. that is a plan. not necessarily a good or wise plan at all. it might afford me a different kind of freedom in exchange for lack of another. that's the way it is in life, a balancing of slaveries and freedoms. we are all indentured to various things, starting with our bodies themselves.
i go on with the same complaints. life is absurd, but one has no choice. it is cruel, random, vicious even, callous. but we all have to do the same basic things, with many variations: shower, brush our teeth, pay bills, mow the lawn, go to work, deal with other people, have disappointments and joys, crushes and longings, find simple pleasures. it helps to pet something or someone and be pet in return. we can't be assured that things will go well, that we'll maintain any particular level of comfort or success. so we live in the now and do the petty things of the moment with whatever belief in them we can maintain and whatever acceptance or disappointment of the time spent.
when it's best it doesn't need examining. you can plan and arrange for some degree, expectations of entertaining or satisfying activity. but there is always misspent time, failure, or banal rut. we can call it something else, find the beauty in it or in the simplicity of all things, but it's still there, nagging at us. there are other things to do, that could be done, or that we can imagine. and often it's best to just look out the window and imagine and tell everything else to go to hell.
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03:21 am
[Link] | i don't know what i hope to get out of human interaction. frustration? inadequate emotional relief. nervous surface tension? communicating with other human beings is like being forced to communicate across a great chasm using only fortune cookie messages. i want to take in more people in an almost sexual, meal-like way, talk about everything, and when it comes down to it my favorite communication is the most basic, like hugging or napping. i guess that's why i almost worship animals because everything is on that level with them. i used to hug more people when i was younger and now everything just feels more awkward and i'm sure that will just get worse as i get older. it's easier to blow your brains out than hug someone or fart in public. the human machine is doomed to failure.
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10:02 am
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god is experiencing post traumatic stress disorder
i had a dream that put me in an endless loop again. being constantly violently attacked and dying and starting over or somehow just endlessly continuing with different permutations until i finally found myself literally boxed in as the loop wound tighter and tighter. it reminds me of my idea that we are all the insane consciousness of the universe. maybe the big bang was the moment that this consciousness went mad and split itself like a psychic breakdown leading ultimately to the entirety of the universe and the evolution of life and ultimately the human consciousness that can conceive of a god consciousness. we are all merely the mental cilia of a fractured and fractioned god-consciousness. god is an insane and alone split personality experiencing ptsd in the nothingness and vastness of space and eternity. all-knowing, omnipotent (also omni-impotent), how are we anything else than imaginations of god by any religious conception of god. how free is "free will" if we are mere creations conceived of by an all-knowing god, all conclusions forgone. maybe god created a inescapably closed system that it tries to lose consciousness of so that it can lose itself in it.
the big bang is a rubber band that is merely twanged every few trillion years, expanding and snapping back over infinity.
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11:04 pm
[Link] | i'm bored and i'm having a heart attack. i can't remember which. strangely it's the heart attack that brings me back to life. i was drifting in space. out with a bang it's called. waking up to meet one's maker. only i don't believe in a maker which makes it tragic. i just didn't take good enough care of my heart and didn't live my life to its full potential. not regrets especially, i just know that some people do much more, more with less even. perhaps some early insecurities made me seek an easier path. or some early securities made me never want to let go of them? can't remember which. we're all juggling ideas back in time in our little minds. out of our little minds. we're glorious farm animals working all day chewing our cud, evolving at a snail's pace while lighting the fuse of our various destructions. freefalling in eternity, or at least this little stretch of space and time, and the narrow box of imagination we carve within it. i guess it'll be another billion years before these complex amino acids become single-celled organisms....
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08:23 pm
[Link] | maybe a person just shouldn't stay at the same job too long. i've been at this job for over 8 years now. it's manageable and that's why i've stayed there this long, but it might be nice to try something different. but sometimes different can be a mistake. maybe you should only take chances if you're good at handling failure. i know that's a negative way to look at things, but one should be realistic. if things don't work out, try, try again as they say.
Current Music: i'm goin to kansas city, kansas city, here i come
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10:03 am
[Link] | i take a dip back beneath the water. i submerge myself into another world.
i have been on facebook a bit as it is an easy, shallow experience. i need to remember to live life more randomly, not by societal/cultural expectations. we watch too many movies as a kind of evening entertainment nap really. tv shows we're watching (including ones that aren't on at the moment): mad men, finishing up the wire at friend's, house, lost, 30 rock, breaking bad at friend's for now. pbs stuff like frontline, independent lens, american experience, nova, antiques roadshow. was watching dexter, damages, er (glad it's over). have put netflix on hold, may cancel completely if they don't let me keep it on hold indefinitely. need to do other stuff with our evenings. have been taking naps after work for some time most days. that makes me more functional at night, but is time lost? used to just be tired all night and not get much done but watching stuff. we collect images from the internet, books, photographs. when i sit back and watch lots and lots of random pictures we've saved it's quite an experience. something i should probably remember to do more often. saw a picture of two very young gorillas hugging and it contains as much emotion as two humans hugging could. the world is a miasma. goal: be good and live well.
i'm off to find youtube videos of amazing things like record players from around 1900 and other marvels.
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05:43 pm
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my sxsw 2009 film rankings from fave to least fave
Pulling John-surprisingly great armwrestling doc. w/3 distinct characters
Adventureland-a sensitive guy's fantasy of a summer job & relationship
Trimpin: The Sound of Invention-wonderfully inventive musical sculpture artist
I Love You, Man-fun "bro-mance" as they're calling this genre
We Live in Public-fastinating/disturbing doc., especially the experiment called quiet
Winnebago Man-fun look into the life of everyone's favorite angry salesman
Yes Men Fix the World-corporate mischief makers do what the corporations won't
Still Bill-wonderful look at a grounded and insightful singer song-writer
Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo-thought-provoking look at japanese insect collecting
RiP: A Remix Manifesto-a look at musical culture as a paradigm shifts & is remixed
500 Days of Summer-interesting look at a relationship that wasn't meant to be
For All Mankind-man lands on fucking moon! with soundtrack by brian eno
Know Your Mushrooms-doc. makes me want to head into the woods picking mushrooms
Garbage Dreams-boys living off money from recycling Cairo's trash
Goodbye Solo-an unlikely relationship between a foreign cabbie trying to make it & an old man who is done
Metropolis with Original, Live Score-a live music look at an old classic
Monsters from the ID-not a festival favorite, but i liked the music & clips
Objectified-not as good as helvetica doc. on object design
Time of Their Lives-nice look at lively british women at a home for the elderly
Immaculate Conception of Little Dizzle-interesting, hallucinatory crossroads
Saint Misbehavin: The Life and Time of Wavy Gravy-a life well-lived
Favela on Blast (Brazil)-the life and hormone-fueled music of rio's slums
Way We Get By-troop greeters share their lives & give what they can
Dungeon Masters-3 D&D gamers and the lives they lead
Berlin Calling-techno dj deals with a drug problem while trying to get out a new record
De Ofrivilliga (Involuntary)-vignettes in the lives of some Swedes going thru stuff
Observe and Report-an ugly comedy w/some fun dark humor
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12:38 am
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just a little entry
i sort of apologize for writing things publicly, because that means you might like someone to read them. and there are times when i really do, hoping that the words will carry and transfer some meaning. but sometimes it is just logging the drivel that runs out of one and you have to ask the world's pardon. we are thinking beings winding our way through lives often on automatic or gone wrong (or both). i come here like i used to come to my old spiral notebooks, although these i fear are less permanent for future reference to see where i was. lord only knows. i'm doing my late night little chores and getting ready for bed, or to read a bit before turning in as the nice phrase goes. feeding the fish, the cats, doing the cat litter, brushing my teeth, taking my pills, and shutting off the computer. i miss many chances, tasks to take on and follow through. i seem to have little ambition. the history books shed many "great men" with every generation. it's fascinating to look at old newspapers or even old history books or encyclopedias and see the names and faces of people who were big wheels in their time and now all but forgotten. i apply myself fairly selfishly and lazily to this life. i guess i'm trying for happiness and trying to leave myself a large margin for error.
i motivate myself to read books some but feel i should read more. and read more history books and classics. but i like just as well or more to sleep in or nap and dream. to sit with a cat asleep on my lap and only care not to disturb him by getting up. to look out the window and think in only the most basic sense, meandering thoughts. this is luxury in the real sense.
passions are good, but they also divide us so harshly. sometimes we would all be better to be and to be governed by people far more detached from passions and drives. the world would be a safer place. i just finished watching a docudrama on amundsen and scott's taking of the south pole. scott died in antarctica after reaching the pole after amundsen. his journal records his party's last days. really that's what our lives are, brief records of the hungers and breaths of us as human beings. that's all the human race could be said to be, given just a little more time, but still nothing in the scope of eternity. we are doing our best and recording our activities, making some attempt at the expedition and exploration that is our life. i am just a ghost in a tent writing some words in the snow. i try to remember to pass no judgments and do the best that i can make out. as it's been said so many times, in a lot of ways we are lone explorers in this life. life itself could be looked at as a suicide mission. that's a bit of a laugh. anyway, for while i have it, tomorrow's another day.
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11:55 pm
[Link] | put the bullet in the chamber
it's called another day
go to sleep little man
your imagination is better
than your follow through
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11:51 pm
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YOU CAN'T MAKE LIFE NOT FUCKED
the world we live in doesn't matter
or it does
the life we lead is everything and nothing
everything we have
and just a trickle of what we can imagine
more of the boys in iraq are killing themselves
cause this world is fucked up
there is killing in our name
there are people losing their jobs
we continue to work and live if we can
the world is a puzzle you want to piece together and fix
but the pieces are breaking and shattering and falling off the board
and the picture is changing
and you want to believe it all matters
because it either matters or it doesn't
we could almost be up to this
there is so much we could do
if we could work together
it doesn't look like were up to that
you can't evolve beyond the world you're in
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01:44 pm
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i'm starting a bullshit ebay seller insurance fund
today i'm spewing forth bile in a different vein
i love ebay. i buy amazing, unusual things on ebay all the time. i can't help myself. but if you use ebay a lot you will eventually deal with asshole ebay sellers who don't list major faults with the stuff they sell and then bitch at you for not asking questions. questions like "is this item obviously broken?", or "do you plan to take a shit on this item before you put it in a box and ship it to me?" these kinds of seller often say "ask questions" in their listings. you should read between the lines and think of this as them really saying "i'm not going to tell you much about this item. maybe it's ok, maybe i dredged it out of my momma's ass. maybe part of it is missing, maybe it stinks of cat urine. if you don't ask, i'm not obligated to tell you." these people are assholes and their lives are probably pretty miserable. they like to poop on people, especially if they can make a buck doing it.
what you have to do is read all the shit carefully. read between the lines and if something sounds fishy, stay far away. it's just not worth dealing with these people. but even then you still might run into them. this seller had a 100% feedback rating and over 1000 transactions. but ebay in their wisdom is now only counting the past 12 months, thinking that even assholes can change. well, this asshole didn't change.
so i'm going to start putting money in a separate savings account and labeling it asshole defense fund. when these crackers send me garbage, rather than trying to work it out with someone who has already proved themselves to be an asshole. i'm just going to leave them honest negative feedback and repay myself from that ebay asshole savings account so it won't bother me so much. you buy insurance on your house in case of a fire. you have insurance on your car in case of a wreck. hell, you may even insure a package in the rare instance it's lost or damaged. well, i'm going to start insuring that i don't waste my time groveling with and sending waste-of-time emails back and forth with people who are categorically inbred motherfuckers.
maybe someone will eventually offer this insurance to the public. ask your agent.
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11:33 pm
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it's a barage mirage
it's a great ice flow
the glaciers are sliding loose and coming to town
it's not really cold
it's just the wind against your cheeks
it's not really hot
it's just the sun on your neck
life is making pancakes with the eggs of you
you are being whisked my son
get fluffy and feed life
like the carbohydrate that you are
i am the love handles on black holes and eternity
maybe crazy is all we can hope to be
i aspire to it
it fulfills me
i wake up in the night and the movies in my mind
say they will keep playing whether i go back to sleep or not
the waves are rolling so i jump right in
surfing the jolly frightening nonsense
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11:24 pm
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NO SMORKING!
i am forced to give up the sweet life morsels that are just within my reach
raging against the dying light is only good enough in the movies
in real life nothing is enough
tedious "days", "weeks", "etc" that i am forced to make mine
and live within
i am supposed to clothe my loose mind
in a tight fist?
once i fell, i fell a tree
and that tree, that tree
it fell on me
it tore a gash in my chest
that made me shine
with blood and torn
loose flesh
and then going up and down the steps
reminds you that your flesh is loose
and under construction
we are in disrepair
and sometimes we have to be torn asunder
(torn like thunder)
to briskly live
again
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09:41 pm
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speculating in degenerative fiction con queso y deus ex machina
let's pretend that i am writing a book about an old, bitter man who believes he is staying alive by drinking the urine of teenage boys and girls. these are pages from his diary...
"i can't believe i've gotten the creative juices flowing before midnite. how unusual. maybe it's from all that research i've been doing on people that i felt i was close to who are no longer in my life. sanguine, no that is not the word, it is the opposite of the right word, and yet it would seem to be the right word. words fail me so i fail them right back. i barely pogo, so no, i don't dance the tango. the tango sounds very old movie cool and intimate though. i feel like i am feeling around in the dark for a lightswitch, but there is no lightswitch, but i don't know that. are you sure you don't dance the tango? two tango charlie dance the tango? if henry darger can write a mad story alone in the night so can i. at least i can afford a dog and have two cats, one of which sits in my lap (if only for warmth (but in life we are not that choosy)). i dance my rotting anus on the cauldron of your love. i detach my retinas, i am fiber optic.
should we fight these urges? they are surely born of mental illness, bad chemicals, and childhood juju. i fire nerf darts into the darkness. i am a denial of service attack on nothingness. oh, the radio is going for the sentimental jugular, and i become a fountain spewing 80's new wave blood. i was meant to live in a jungle. some blame agriculture, but for me it's all the jobs everywhere. they are not to be had by human beings. there is a better world for the mentally ill, opt in. we've all become drones. drones, drones, dancing bees. and our honey is stolen. stolen! our hearts, souls?, repurposed, restructured. i attach cords in the dark and find them linking important organs to sources of great power. i aim my arrows at the sun. i am lost in the struggle. send breadcrumbs.
all cylinders firing cinders
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