anti-matter of hope (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} joemess) wrote,@ 2008-02-13 11:10:00 |
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the difference between mild depression and being at peace?
i find myself restful inside in some ways. i get home from work and take a nap. nothing calls to me to be done. the world is an outside thing that is hurtling on its own. we have a small time and then we die. how to spend that time? i'm 40 now and don't really have goals anymore. i don't care to do anything anymore. is that bad? i have my wife, my cats, my simple life. i get through work as a way of funding my existence. when i can't tolerate this anymore i suppose i'll do something else. food and sleep. after all i am an animal and these are my most pressing needs.
some things i'm doing at the moment and why:
started reading kaufmann's book on nietzsche because i love nietzsche and wanted to learn more about his life.
checked out holy terror, bio on warhol, because i continue to be fascinated by him although his artwork doesn't do much for me.
my wife and i collect postcards and old advertising trade cards. the imagery of the past always fascinates me.
we watch some movies and a little tv, but i feel like i'm running out of decent things to watch because i've seen a hell of a lot (worked at videostores for years with free rentals and overdid it). and i try to exercise quality control and limit the crap that my mind consumes. i see myself more as a squirrel than a cow. that is, something still slightly wild and less often factory farmed for its meat.
i still feel compelled to see the world although the expense and getting time off from work and arranging for our mentally ill cat make that troublesome. i've been to rio de janeiro (for but a week), london (just 3 days) and kenya (a couple of weeks)(and also a couple of mexican border towns (i live in texas) and vancouver if that counts). my impressions are that big cities are big cities with similar things to offer and bigger cities offer more and have more diversity. and third world countries or countries at least a few rungs down have even more fucked up shit going on. we have never escaped the law of the jungle but we like to believe we have, i doubt we ever really will.
might all this be labeled bourgeois? probably. i'm a squirrel on a college campus, not a squirrel in the country. i'm sure my heart condition has been partly responsible for my philosophical attitude. i haven't eliminated feelings of guilt or insecurity about the future, but then again i think that's fairly hard-wired.
i find myself restful inside in some ways. i get home from work and take a nap. nothing calls to me to be done. the world is an outside thing that is hurtling on its own. we have a small time and then we die. how to spend that time? i'm 40 now and don't really have goals anymore. i don't care to do anything anymore. is that bad? i have my wife, my cats, my simple life. i get through work as a way of funding my existence. when i can't tolerate this anymore i suppose i'll do something else. food and sleep. after all i am an animal and these are my most pressing needs.
some things i'm doing at the moment and why:
started reading kaufmann's book on nietzsche because i love nietzsche and wanted to learn more about his life.
checked out holy terror, bio on warhol, because i continue to be fascinated by him although his artwork doesn't do much for me.
my wife and i collect postcards and old advertising trade cards. the imagery of the past always fascinates me.
we watch some movies and a little tv, but i feel like i'm running out of decent things to watch because i've seen a hell of a lot (worked at videostores for years with free rentals and overdid it). and i try to exercise quality control and limit the crap that my mind consumes. i see myself more as a squirrel than a cow. that is, something still slightly wild and less often factory farmed for its meat.
i still feel compelled to see the world although the expense and getting time off from work and arranging for our mentally ill cat make that troublesome. i've been to rio de janeiro (for but a week), london (just 3 days) and kenya (a couple of weeks)(and also a couple of mexican border towns (i live in texas) and vancouver if that counts). my impressions are that big cities are big cities with similar things to offer and bigger cities offer more and have more diversity. and third world countries or countries at least a few rungs down have even more fucked up shit going on. we have never escaped the law of the jungle but we like to believe we have, i doubt we ever really will.
might all this be labeled bourgeois? probably. i'm a squirrel on a college campus, not a squirrel in the country. i'm sure my heart condition has been partly responsible for my philosophical attitude. i haven't eliminated feelings of guilt or insecurity about the future, but then again i think that's fairly hard-wired.
