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mangled moments in lost time Below are 10 entries, after skipping 10 most recent ones in the "anti-matter of hope" journal:

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June 21st, 2012
12:56 pm

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oops
i dropped out of college. i am lazy, unprepared for life. when i was a kid i woke up and played. i haven't really developed an apparatus for doing life particularly well if ambition, drive, non-slovenliness, wage-earning, and cumulative growth strategy are figured into the equation. i always feel like i am treading water. is that natural? i feel like if i were smarter and raised a little better i would be able to move forward in some methodical, self-assured way toward greater success and usefulness.

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June 7th, 2012
02:01 pm

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an apology for doing nothing
just had a negative review at work. there are some dangers to not caring i guess. not writing for other people it's nice occasionally to let the maudlin words flow.

my life is the coping mechanism of my existence. i am a conscientious objector to life itself. the killing and overrunning of organisms to survive. consider this a whining diatribe, but i object to being raised with the lie that there is something more to life and something after we die. poor, sad humans, desperate to believe. desperate to believe their little lives continue in some way besides as dna and the echo of their flapping butterfly wings. i reserve the right to live my life. i'm not making any new humans myself and i consider that my adequate contribution to the future. this is not to say that i believe i am an asshole or feel that it's ok to be an asshole. i just won't take on other people's agendas. i am here by protest. other than this note to the universe i don't want to have to make excuses for myself. we find ourselves in awkward, shitty situations sometimes. i often want to extricate myself.

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May 31st, 2012
10:21 am

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to do anything or not to do anything?
last night i tried to go to one of those free movie screenings where you get or win passes, but have to show up at least an hour before the thing starts to really have a chance of getting in because they oversell the thing. it's only really worth it if it's a movie you really want to see. anyway, there's always the question of what route to take to avoid traffic. yesterday i made the wrong choice and was stuck in non-moving traffic as the minutes ticked away and the possibility of getting in became less and less likely. i don't handle this kind of traffic well, especially if there is some kind of time deadline--because there is nothing you can do and that frustrates the hell out me. i know i should take a philosophical attitude because after all, there is nothing i can do at this point. i just have to suck it up. but i don't like to suck it up. we got a little later start than i wanted because s decided to take a shower before we left, but it probably wouldn't have mattered. we didn't get in. and the traffic on the way back was horrible too. i took a side route to just get away from the traffic jam, but since i don't really know that part of town i ended up taking a way longer route than i needed. so lots of wasted time and gas. and meanwhile the chemicals in my body have conspired against me and are in revolt. i had to fight the urge to hit the steering column of the car or my face. anyway, we get home and i am still in my chemical sway, or my chemical's way. i can't talk to s because of this, and on the way home i mentioned again that i don't want to die in texas because i fucking hate this state and want to get out, but she wants to stay near her parents and she can tolerate her job and doesn't think she'd be able to find something else that pays decently that she could tolerate.

what it boils down to is that it's often better to skip the failure entirely and stay home and watch tv. no one ever really manages to do anything worthwhile anyway. your friends are just kidding themselves.

drink alcohol.

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May 18th, 2012
06:43 pm

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dopamine serotonin oxytocin

life is uncertain. i'm trapped in a cerebral cortex monkeybrain. contracting heart, sweaty brow. brain overrun with bacteria, a fungal growth called personality. we're stuck with each other, you and i, brain. cells subtracting and dividing.

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02:23 pm

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fuckity fuck fuck fuck
i forget everything like a memento man. senility or just farm animal dumbness?

anyway, it would be interesting if instead of using a clock on weekends/days off you set a timer that counted down until you had to go to sleep for your next work day or responsibility. you would only sleep/nap when tired and eat when hungry and the timer wouldn't speak to you in terms of days, but hours of freedom remaining. it would help me i think, think in terms of projects and better remind me of the sands in the hourglass fading away, like a fire burning.

"time is the fire in which we burn" -Delmore Schwartz, 1937

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May 7th, 2012
10:26 am

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boy boy girl dog girl
lying in bed jibber-jabbering with s. like firing flares into the empty expanding universe. my grazing monkey thoughts. my friend last night condemned cynicism. it made me feel defensive as i am cynical and don't believe in much of anything. he said something like "cynical people don't do anything." for which my mental response was "nobody does much of anything. at least not much of anything really worthwhile." mostly we tread water within our existence. our lives are mostly dog paddling.

a stimulating interaction. that's what i need. very little stimulates. sometimes it seems that only bad things are capable of piercing the membrane.

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10:10 am

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how to filter. quality control. am i capable of figuring out the life i want to live or am i forever my child self at 7/11 with my allowance trying to figure out what candy or comic book to buy and thus also not buying all the other candies and comic books. maybe sitting with that choice is better than any selection or consummation.

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March 22nd, 2012
12:54 pm

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magical mind knives
a safe place to go quietly insane. make the most of mosting. pound the pleasure center until it is destroyed. radiate. radiate.

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March 7th, 2012
11:09 pm

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ready.set.flow.
life has always been a vicious, unfair struggle. i would argue that because we cannot overcome nature (including our own) it will always be so. that's not an excuse to participate in the direct viciousness, just an excuse to endure. meanwhile my stupid batteries are running out, the minutes left in my day are running out, life trickles by like a slow bloodletting. how to squeeze the last god-damned fucking juices from the god-damned fruit? or zen it all and let go. or somewhere in between. chores. leaving food for the cats, cleaning their litter, taking out the garbage, brushing me teeth, taking my pills. like a derailed train running in slow motion i sit and think.

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February 5th, 2012
06:35 pm

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i would like some hard drugs
preferably the kind that are meant to enter the body through a vein

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